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What’s changed?

I woke up this morning and listened into what had changed? There was a certain lightness and nothingness. No excitement, no fear, just a bit lighter. It could be that the realisation hasn’t quite hit me yet. It will be in January when I return to London, teach as usual and then??….ohhh….nothing!!

The one and only career I’ve ever had (apart from part time jobs) has been the 8 years of project management in the NHS and I waved it goodbye. With its ups and downs, opportunities and challenges, laughter and cries it’s been an amazing journey.

I can only look and appreciate everything it allowed me to do; its financial perks, holiday entitlements, crazy characters, pushing my boundaries and the general support for me to create everything today.

I could not have done it without you NHS, thank you. And who knows what is next?


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Are You Gardening?

A year ago when I stumbled across my Rolfer Giovanni for treatments for tense neck and shoulders I didn’t realise that I was walking into something much deeper. I guess like any other therapist or a teacher we are also drawn to the quality of their work, their presence and way of being, and how they interact with people.

Well this blog isn’t so much about my experience as a client with Giovanni or Rolfing. It is more about a concept he introduced which made a deep carving on my personal development; gardening. How many of us going about our days wishing things to be different? Often to be better at things, to feel happy, to manifest more of the good stuff. This reminds me of days that I was also into the law of attraction, part of the culture following the Secret and What the Bleep do We Know? Yes, I still believe in these concepts but I realised that manifestation is a matter of heart and soul’s wish, not the head. When the intention aligns with the heart’s longing the life energy flows effortlessly and creates things that one wouldn’t even dream of.

So the “gardening” concept is the work that needs to be acknowledged in that alignment. If we imagine ourselves to be a garden with roses, lilies, a beautiful pond, as well as weed, shrubs, cobwebs and other things disturbing to the eye, we could spend a lifetime staring at the beautiful flowers pretending nothing else exists in this garden. This is the illusion that if we pretend to be ok, to be happy, energetic, loving, caring all the time our lives will somehow mirror that. My experience is that it will at some point show up in our lives, the shrubs will grow so high, the weed will get into every corner that we’ll look at it one day and go “when did this happen?”. The energy spent in avoiding the shrubs can actually be better spent if we tend to it.

When I shared some of my personal “shrub” experiences with Giovanni he simply said “maybe go into that garden and sit there to see what arises in you”. This was the invitation to start doing some gardening. Not so much with the intention of changing anything to make it look pretty and rosy, but to simply witness what is hidden in these corners, even if I couldn’t name the experience.

Gardening requires a lot of skill as well. I visited my friend Narmin’s allotment this summer and saw how she really tends to her fruit and veg. She had so much care, attention and knowledge. She spoke to her vegetables. She gently cleared the weed out from their roots, wiped every leaf of her cabbages as they were being eaten by little flies, and watered everything attentively…

I have learned to sit in my garden but I’m definitely not an expert in gardening yet. It’s the first step forward I guess, just another step inward.


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Stuck at Frankfurt Airport

Did I ask for this? Certainly not. Well, not consciously anyway.

Even as my flight left 30min late from City Airport, and despite the unrecognisable mumbling by the captain, an apology along the lines of “this always happens here, something to do with air traffic” I did my best to surrender to the fact that I would be missing my connecting flight from Frankfurt, and connecting shuttle bus from Salzburg and connecting walk from my hotel to Kongress House to meet my fellow students and teachers at Brennan School.

I must confess the sheer frustration I felt when I still showed up at the gate in Frankfurt rather sweaty and out of breath to be told that the gate had shut 20min earlier than planned because the passengers had to take a bus to the plane. I was screaming “oh fuckie-di-fuck” on the inside whilst appearing calm and finding my soft voice asking the Lufthansa staff “well what do I do now?”.

5 extra hours added to the journey could have been worse given somewhat more traumatic airline experiences I’ve had in the past. Once I accepted the fact that things don’t go as planned in life sometimes I was able to open myself to the possibilities of fun. After all I love airports!

I spent the first hour walking around the duty free shop; smelling every perfume on the shelf, kindly turning down all the saleswomen who use a bottle of perfume more like a weapon and spray at your direction in every single opportunity, trying on every pair of sunglasses on display even if it means looking like a twat in some of them, smudging expensive eye shadow at the back of my hand as though I’m painting a Picasso painting and turning into a 3 year old in admiring mountains of chocolates and candies…

I then found myself at one of the ridiculously expensive cafes but at least grabing a table by the runway view, watching the blue sky and writing my blog. Bliss indeed.

And now, I’m amused by a very loud Italian group in the cafe who seem to have charged the energy in the room…with noise, hand gestures, taking photos of a Thomas Cook plane!! People watching is better than any entertainment one can experience.


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thumbnail When there is love in the air… zoom
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What if there was a heaven for all the parents?

I know that this is a huge generalisation and that there are many balanced, encouraging, healthy parenting going on out there. And yet the last few days my buttons have been pressed, to a point of leaving a dent in my body by my parents. Then all it took was a couple of friends who happen to be having a hard time as well that I decided to explode, in the form of a blog, to express what the possibilities may be if thing were just a little different.

By all means, when I look at any parent-child relationship, regardless of whether you are 5 year old or 40 year old; most of the emotions arise out of fear, wanting the best for the child, trying to protect them and not for the purpose of manipulation, control, envy or transference of one’s insecurities. I’m a believer that the root intention is still pure, it’s just the manifestation of that intention that may drive one insane.

I went back to a conversation I had with a close friend of mine in her early 30s. She found herself sitting at the family table one day, watching the drama around her, and all of a sudden in that stillness she thought “wow, if I happen to be at a dinner table with these  people and they happen to be strangers I would have left by now. I have nothing in common with these people. They don’t know actually know me.”

At that moment I realised that somewhere in our lifetime we actually left the reality of who our parents think we are, and yet an image continued in their head of who we are or ought to be. There isn’t much room for change; good kids remain good and difficult kids remain challenging all their lives. Or perhaps that is why it is shocking to them when their good child becomes a criminal, and perhaps their criminal child becomes religious and saint-like.

Whatever it is I’m not going to solve it here, that is definitely not my life purpose. I did find myself fantasising of other possibilities which were more entertaining, even though not true. For example in the animal kingdom most animals forget who their siblings and parents are – perfect! Apply that to the humans; lets say at the age of 18 we forget who our parents are. They actually become every day people rather than the “parent” role they play. Then we may like them, dislike them, we may want to hang out with them or ignore them; no hard feelings either way. Wouldn’t the world be a healthy place? No childhood trauma to remember over and over again, no more family arguments to be dragged into, no more expectations, no more pressure. We all have healthy and balanced relationships. We could be wondering who our parents may be, out of a wide choice of people around us.

Then another alternative was to create a heaven for them, where all the parents go on holiday to (and never come back), a place where they are very happy. They don’t have to worry about their adult-children anymore, demand grandchildren from them, raise their deposit money for a house, fuss over their expensive weddings or their salary…None of it! It is a heaven where they feel that their role has been fulfilled, they are detached, happy, hippy (which may be the case again), become themselves again. Equally young and free.

But I guess these are all fantasies and all can be done in this reality as we experience it. The detachment, setting boundaries, clearer communication, living in harmony, heaven on earth…you know all that plava! I just couldn’t resist dreaming another alternative. This is where another conversation with a friend comes into mind when she said “I guess we live through all this to realise one thing about our parents – that we will not be able to change them”. Acceptance is also part of it I guess.

 

 


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What’s changed?

I woke up this morning and listened into what had changed? There was a certain lightness...
article post

Are You Gardening?

A year ago when I stumbled across my Rolfer Giovanni for treatments for tense neck and...
article post

Stuck at Frankfurt Airport

Did I ask for this? Certainly not. Well, not consciously anyway. Even as my flight left...
article post
thumbnail When there is love in the air… article post

What if there was a heaven for all the parents?

I know that this is a huge generalisation and that there are many balanced, encouraging,...
article post