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What if there was a heaven for all the parents?

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I know that this is a huge generalisation and that there are many balanced, encouraging, healthy parenting going on out there. And yet the last few days my buttons have been pressed, to a point of leaving a dent in my body by my parents. Then all it took was a couple of friends who happen to be having a hard time as well that I decided to explode, in the form of a blog, to express what the possibilities may be if thing were just a little different.

By all means, when I look at any parent-child relationship, regardless of whether you are 5 year old or 40 year old; most of the emotions arise out of fear, wanting the best for the child, trying to protect them and not for the purpose of manipulation, control, envy or transference of one’s insecurities. I’m a believer that the root intention is still pure, it’s just the manifestation of that intention that may drive one insane.

I went back to a conversation I had with a close friend of mine in her early 30s. She found herself sitting at the family table one day, watching the drama around her, and all of a sudden in that stillness she thought “wow, if I happen to be at a dinner table with theseĀ  people and they happen to be strangers I would have left by now. I have nothing in common with these people. They don’t know actually know me.”

At that moment I realised that somewhere in our lifetime we actually left the reality of who our parents think we are, and yet an image continued in their head of who we are or ought to be. There isn’t much room for change; good kids remain good and difficult kids remain challenging all their lives. Or perhaps that is why it is shocking to them when their good child becomes a criminal, and perhaps their criminal child becomes religious and saint-like.

Whatever it is I’m not going to solve it here, that is definitely not my life purpose. I did find myself fantasising of other possibilities which were more entertaining, even though not true. For example in the animal kingdom most animals forget who their siblings and parents are – perfect! Apply that to the humans; lets say at the age of 18 we forget who our parents are. They actually become every day people rather than the “parent” role they play. Then we may like them, dislike them, we may want to hang out with them or ignore them; no hard feelings either way. Wouldn’t the world be a healthy place? No childhood trauma to remember over and over again, no more family arguments to be dragged into, no more expectations, no more pressure. We all have healthy and balanced relationships. We could be wondering who our parents may be, out of a wide choice of people around us.

Then another alternative was to create a heaven for them, where all the parents go on holiday to (and never come back), a place where they are very happy. They don’t have to worry about their adult-children anymore, demand grandchildren from them, raise their deposit money for a house, fuss over their expensive weddings or their salary…None of it! It is a heaven where they feel that their role has been fulfilled, they are detached, happy, hippy (which may be the case again), become themselves again. Equally young and free.

But I guess these are all fantasies and all can be done in this reality as we experience it. The detachment, setting boundaries, clearer communication, living in harmony, heaven on earth…you know all that plava! I just couldn’t resist dreaming another alternative. This is where another conversation with a friend comes into mind when she said “I guess we live through all this to realise one thing about our parents – that we will not be able to change them”. Acceptance is also part of it I guess.

 

 


1 comment

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  1. Jane Goossens

    There is no training for becoming a parent, except maybe to copy your parents.I had a dream and saw my Dad as a young boy running along a sandy beach with his mum who was holding his hand.I just hope there is a heaven and my Dad can run along that beach with his mum,because she died when he was seven.

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