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What if there was a heaven for all the parents?

I know that this is a huge generalisation and that there are many balanced, encouraging, healthy parenting going on out there. And yet the last few days my buttons have been pressed, to a point of leaving a dent in my body by my parents. Then all it took was a couple of friends who happen to be having a hard time as well that I decided to explode, in the form of a blog, to express what the possibilities may be if thing were just a little different.

By all means, when I look at any parent-child relationship, regardless of whether you are 5 year old or 40 year old; most of the emotions arise out of fear, wanting the best for the child, trying to protect them and not for the purpose of manipulation, control, envy or transference of one’s insecurities. I’m a believer that the root intention is still pure, it’s just the manifestation of that intention that may drive one insane.

I went back to a conversation I had with a close friend of mine in her early 30s. She found herself sitting at the family table one day, watching the drama around her, and all of a sudden in that stillness she thought “wow, if I happen to be at a dinner table with theseĀ  people and they happen to be strangers I would have left by now. I have nothing in common with these people. They don’t know actually know me.”

At that moment I realised that somewhere in our lifetime we actually left the reality of who our parents think we are, and yet an image continued in their head of who we are or ought to be. There isn’t much room for change; good kids remain good and difficult kids remain challenging all their lives. Or perhaps that is why it is shocking to them when their good child becomes a criminal, and perhaps their criminal child becomes religious and saint-like.

Whatever it is I’m not going to solve it here, that is definitely not my life purpose. I did find myself fantasising of other possibilities which were more entertaining, even though not true. For example in the animal kingdom most animals forget who their siblings and parents are – perfect! Apply that to the humans; lets say at the age of 18 we forget who our parents are. They actually become every day people rather than the “parent” role they play. Then we may like them, dislike them, we may want to hang out with them or ignore them; no hard feelings either way. Wouldn’t the world be a healthy place? No childhood trauma to remember over and over again, no more family arguments to be dragged into, no more expectations, no more pressure. We all have healthy and balanced relationships. We could be wondering who our parents may be, out of a wide choice of people around us.

Then another alternative was to create a heaven for them, where all the parents go on holiday to (and never come back), a place where they are very happy. They don’t have to worry about their adult-children anymore, demand grandchildren from them, raise their deposit money for a house, fuss over their expensive weddings or their salary…None of it! It is a heaven where they feel that their role has been fulfilled, they are detached, happy, hippy (which may be the case again), become themselves again. Equally young and free.

But I guess these are all fantasies and all can be done in this reality as we experience it. The detachment, setting boundaries, clearer communication, living in harmony, heaven on earth…you know all that plava! I just couldn’t resist dreaming another alternative. This is where another conversation with a friend comes into mind when she said “I guess we live through all this to realise one thing about our parents – that we will not be able to change them”. Acceptance is also part of it I guess.

 

 


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How does But play a part in our lives?

If your mind is anything like mine sometimes a week after a conversation takes place it begins to digest the content of what it had eaten. I had a very close friend visiting London, a friend I see once a year or even less than than. And yet it only takes 15 minutes to cut to the chase and hit the heart of a matter. If you could only be a fly on the wall and listen to our conversations..

What I realised in that moment was that in the space of 18months I hadn’t seen him he had come a long way in experiencing how resistance manifests in his life through use of language, and had discovered a great practical way of releasing the energy of that resistance.

We were talking about ‘change’ and the stories we create in our minds, mainly by reminiscing or clinging to the past or predicting some disaster that will come about as a result of this change. I’m as guilty as one can be of the above. What a deep trap I fall into day after day. There is still so much I need to learn and I need to relax into the flow of life.

However what my friend shared was interesting. We were talking about NLP ( neurolinguistic programming), the use of words, and the energy behind words. It only then occurred to me how much resistance, clinging and desire are carried in the the word ‘But’…Try it in sentences and see how it goes…

“I love the dinner but it could have a bit more spice in it”
“I’ll come on holiday with you but I need to work a little everyday”
“I love mum but I wish she were more understanding”

The structure is pretty much the same- Here is something in front of me in the moment but it could be better than and different to what it is in the moment i.e. a little more, a little less, definitely different…I want it to be different to what it is in the moment!

What my friend has been doing is working on that resistance to what is apparent in this moment and replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’…All of a sudden everything softens because there is the acceptance of what is, AND there is openness to what may be:

“I love the dinner and it could have a bit more spice in it”
“I’ll come on holiday with you and I need to do work a little everyday”
“I love mum and she could be a bit more understanding”

Well, I know that a concept/theory is nothing until it’s experienced and it’s truth is realised…So I have decided to put this to practice and see what happens.

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Mobile Blogging

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Just set up mobile blogging app on iPhone! Sooo excited…although this isn’t my excited face:)


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I Stood Still Today

It’s been a weird few days, even a few weeks. So many people’s lives have been shaken around me – loss of loved ones, serious sicknesses, helplessness…I felt the presence of death very closely again and this time not so much by witnessing it but more to be around people who have lost their loves ones. It felt like wounds cut fresh open again, deja vu, a bit like watching a film of myself or others in my shoes. As I did my best to console others I realised once again how fine the line is between life and death.

Then all these reflections made stop, stand still for a while, and look at the students of Stillpoint Yoga London. I don’t always know in detail what people go through, but it’s obvious when someone is unwell, off balance, a little torn. And not always bad things either…I looked back at the last 2 years and saw students passing exams, starting new jobs, weddings, babies, losing loves ones, financial crisis, injuries, healings… You name it and they’ve been through it.

And it amazed me as I stood still, that for 2 hours per day a group of people get together in a room with such different lives, with such different worries and joys; and they share, their energies dance around us for those 2 hours. It is the same wind that brings them to the room that takes them back outside to the world. They relate to others, deal with situations, they laugh, they cry…I am amazed with the range of colours they bring into this world and sometimes overwhelm myself by the enormous joint venture we’re on.

Is it any same or different? I don’t really know…


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thumbnail When there is love in the air… article post

What if there was a heaven for all the parents?

I know that this is a huge generalisation and that there are many balanced, encouraging,...
article post

How does But play a part in our lives?

If your mind is anything like mine sometimes a week after a conversation takes place it...
article post
thumbnail What a great Reminder article post

Mobile Blogging

Just set up mobile blogging app on iPhone! Sooo excited…although this isn’t...
article post
thumbnail Love Pebbles…Pebble Love article post

I Stood Still Today

It’s been a weird few days, even a few weeks. So many people’s lives have...
article post
thumbnail Ozge is Princess for a Day article post